How to co-parent amicably during divorce or separation

 What Is Co-Parenting?

Co-parenting is the role both parents play in the upbringing of their children after a divorce or separation. It requires sharing of responsibilities and for both parents to make joint decisions in matters relating to the raising of their children.  These decisions include living and schooling arrangements and health care and how much time they can spend with the each parent. All of these are vital in providing kids a stable and predictable environment in which they can live happily.

How Does The Law Define Co-Parenting?

Although co-parenting varies from family to family, Australian family law states that ideally both parents should share parental obligations and responsibilities and make decisions based on the best interests of the child. Shared responsibility may not be in the best interests of the child in certain circumstances, such as when family violence or abuse has occurred.

Why Should You Try To Amicably Co-Parent?

Amicable co-parenting is a non-negotiable factor.  It requires both parents to keep emotions in check, be flexible to each other’s situations and for significant decisions regarding the children to be made jointly.  An amicable co-parenting relationship between separating parents is always beneficial for the entire family and especially so for the children.

The Benefits of An Amicable Co-Parenting Relationship For Your Children

Security -                 

Seeing their parents interacting amicably makes children feel safe and secure.

Less conflict-          

Making decisions together reduces the level conflict that can exist between parents, particularly during the early stages of separation.

Consistency -           

Sticking as far as is practicable to rules and routine as they had before the separation helps children to adjust to their new lifestyles.

Healthy example-  

Remaining civil sets an example for children to follow, encouraging them to develop healthy relationships in the future.

Emotional well-being-   

Being in close contact and having a meaningful relationship with both parents contributes positively to children’s emotional well-being.

Tips For Amicable Co-Parenting After Separation & Divorce

Focus On The Best Interests of The Children - Always taking the best interests of the children into account should be the main focus after divorce or separation. Focusing on the children’s interests makes decision making much easier and can reduce resentments that may exist between the parents. After all, doing what’s best for your children should not be a hard task for either parent.

Improve Communications With Your Co-Parent - To co-parent amicably, both parents must be able to communicate with each other in a civil and cordial manner. Once again, emotions must be put aside to focus on the children’s needs. Good communication also requires listening carefully and considering the other side’s views before responding. Avoid responding when angry. Rather, say you’ll get back to them and respond by email or text, which allows you time to choose your words wisely.

Be Consistent In Your Household Expectations  - It is usually easier for children to adapt to their new lives when they have similar rules across both households. That way children know what to expect and what is expected from them by both parents.

Be Proactive About Planning Ahead - Specific family events - like birthdays, Christmas Day or school holidays - can sometimes be a cause for contention in separated families.  By being proactive and planning ahead everyone has time to reflect, allowing for unexpected changes that may have to be made.

Make Important Decisions As A Team - Co-parenting means working as a team, which includes consulting the kids as well where age appropriate. When important decisions are taken and arrangements made jointly, nobody feels excluded, thus reducing the potential for disagreements.

Try To Be Flexible & Respectful - When it comes to dealing with children, things often don’t work out quite as planned and changes need to be made. Allow the children flexibility too, giving them time to adjust, as not everything will be the same in the two households. Being flexible within reason also paves the way for an amicable post-divorce relationship with your ex and may encourage them to reciprocate when things don’t go as planned for you.

Don’t Put Your Children In The Middle - Always communicate directly with your ex and avoid using the children as messengers or as spies. Do not badmouth your ex or discuss your separation in front of your children.  They have the right to have a healthy relationship with both parents so don’t put them in the middle making them feel they have to take sides or are in any way to blame for the separation.

Always Have Back Up Arrangements In Place - No matter how meticulous your plans may be, there will be times when things go wrong, sometimes at the last minute. It may not always be easy, but having a back-up arrangement in place is never a bad habit to develop.

Use Your Support Network - There will be times when you will find the going tough and you’ll need someone to talk to. Set up and use your support network as often as you need to get you through the difficult times that lie ahead. It could be family members, close friends or a community group. There’s no need to go through this painful period in your life completely on your own. Remember all of this is temporary.

Maintain A Self-Care Routine - During any stressful period in our lives, it’s so easy to neglect our health and well-being, by not eating right, drinking excessively, not getting enough sleep and not exercising enough.   If allowed to continue all these traits could make your life more difficult and may lead to serious health issues.  To be able to take care of your children you need to remain healthy yourself. So set up and maintain a healthy self-care routine and stay physically active.

Review Arrangements Over Time - As time goes by, situations are bound to change. The needs of both parents are likely to change as children grow older.  You may find the original parental arrangements may no longer be practical to your or your children’s current needs. It is therefore advisable to review your arrangements as appropriate.

Consider A Formal Parenting Plan or Consent Order - Drawing up a formal parenting plan or Consent Order as part of your divorce settlement can be immensely beneficial for both parents. You may include whatever terms and conditions that suit your specific set of circumstances.

Where a parenting plan or Consent Orders are in place, all that is required is for both parents to stick to the terms they both agreed on, thus eliminating potential future conflict. It also provides peace of mind knowing that the children will be taken care of precisely as you both wish for years to come.

Contact Ian Shann at https://moveon.com.au/  for more information on mediation.